The Xiaolin Temple Squirrel Revival
Well, when I was a kid I'd take a trip every summer down the Mississippi /
To
visit my granny in her antebellum world / I'd run barefooted all day
long climbin' trees free as a song / And one day I happened to catch
myself a squirrel
Jack stared at the little gray creature caught in the small wire mesh cage.
The
trap had been easy enough to build when he’d first realized he had a
rodent loose in his Evil Lair. The destruction of chewed inactive
wires, messes made of his spare parts bins, and soft gray hairs left
here and there had clued him in pretty quick. So, he’d constructed a
simple mesh cage with a spring-door trap, stuffed a cracker covered
with peanut butter inside, and left the trap in an out of the way
place. He’d been working on a new robot when he’d heard the shing-snap
of the trap door falling into place, the rattle of the cage, and the
furious squeaks of the rodent.
Upon investigation, Jack had
discovered he had a squirrel, and the squirrel was in turns terrified
and pissed off. It wouldn’t stop running back and forth in the six
inches of space allowed; turning around and zooming back past its own
tail within the cramped confines of the cage.
Now, the cage sat
on top of his worktable and he sat on a stool, staring at it and
wondering if he could make use of it. He didn’t like working with
living things; they made a mess that stank to high heaven when they
broke, and, if he were being honest, the sight of blood and guts made
him squeamish. Still, he’d caught the thing and so he figured he might
as well make use of it somehow.
Jack snorted and grinned at the crazed rodent as he said, “Go, me – Bwana, the Great White Squirrel Hunter.”
He
was still sitting there, wondering what to do with it, when the door to
his Evil Lair opened and his mother called down to him.
“Jack! Come on, Jack, it’s time to go to the Xiaolin Temple for the ceremony!”
She
was referring to the special prayer service being performed by the
Xiaolin Monks at the temple. Some sort of holy day or another that he
didn’t care to research about, but what he did know was that
the Temple had declared amnesty to one and all, turning their grounds
into a kind of neutral zone, where anyone could come to join them for
the service and relax in the knowledge that no one with an ounce of
honor would try to hurt them while in the Temple.
The Temple where the Xiaolin Dragons were residing.
All of ‘em.
Including Omi.
And abruptly, Jack knew what he was going to do with the squirrel.
Well,
I stuffed him down in an old shoe box, punched a couple of holes in the
top / And when Sunday came I snuck him into Church / I was sittin' way
back in the very last pew, showin' him to my good buddy Hugh / When
that squirrel got loose and went totally berserk
Jack
walked behind his parents into the Xiaolin Temple as they followed one
of the elder monks towards an arranged seating area. Glancing over, he
saw Master Fung sitting with the Dragons ranged to either side of him.
All five of them were watching him like hawks; the four teenagers with
baleful glares and their master with an inscrutable expression. He
aimed a smug smirk in their direction and hoped none of them could see
a bulge in his dressy trench coat where the tube containing the
squirrel rested.
He sat quietly in the roped off section,
looking around at the people gathering in the large main hall of the
Xiaolin Temple. Quite a few of them he recognized and knew them to be
as unscrupulous and dastardly as himself. But, like his parents, they
were doing this for show, and so here they were.
Then, to Jack’s amazement, Chase Young walked through the doors.
Chase
was a presence that couldn’t be ignored. Several people stopped talking
to watch him pass, regally and silently following the monk that was
leading him to a place to sit.
Jack was thoroughly pleased to
discover that Chase was being led to the section he and his parents
were sitting in. He met Chase’s gaze and was flattered when Chase
minutely nodded his head in reply.
As soon as the evil everlord
joined the Spicers’ seating section, introductions were made all
around, with Chase introducing himself as a local Kung Fu Master and
his ears carefully hidden in his hair, leaving Jack’s parents
blissfully unaware of what Chase Young actually was.
Once Jack’s
parents were occupied talking to other people, Chase turned his head
slightly and met Jack’s steady gaze, and nodded to him again.
“Spicer,” he said calmly. “What a surprise to see you here.”
“My folks wanted to show off,” was the simple reply.
“You don’t strike me as the type to give a damn what they want.”
Jack smirked. “Ordinarily, I’d have put up a fuss and stayed home. But I’ve got something special for the service.”
Chase raised an eyebrow. “What mechanical monstrosity have you constructed this time?”
Jack’s smirk widened to a grin. “It’s not mechanical. Just wait… I’ll show it to you in a little bit.”
The older man chuckled. “Showing me in a temple? Tsk, Jack.”
Spicer blushed when he realized Chase’s meaning.
Chase smirked and chose to refrain from teasing Jack further.
Well,
what happened next is hard to tell / Some thought it was heaven others
thought it was hell / But the fact that something was among us was
plain to see / As the choir sang "I Surrender All" / the squirrel ran
up Harv Newlan's coveralls / Harv leaped to his feet and said,
"Somethin's got a hold on me", Yeow!
The ceremony had been going on for nearly twenty minutes when the commotion started.
Suddenly,
a man leaped from the front of the seating section where the Spicer
family was sitting. He began jumping about, screaming that something
had hold of him, and he began shaking his leg and flailing around as he
began begging and pleading with the gods to deliver him from this
torment.
While some folks rushed to the man’s aid, Jack sat in
the back of the seating section with Chase and put his face in his
hands, hoping the action muffled his giggles.
“You,” came the slow, smoky drawl in his ear, “are a very wicked boy.”
Jack snorted, gulped, and began laughing harder; tears seeping from beneath his lashes to moisten his cheeks and palms.
Well,
Harv hit the aisles dancin' and screamin' / Some thought he had
religion others thought he had a demon / And Harv thought he had a weed
eater loose in his Fruit-Of-The-Looms / He fell to his knees to plead
and beg and the squirrel ran out of his britches leg / Unobserved to
the other side of the room
No one noticed a small gray
blur that shot from the screaming man’s trouser leg. They were too busy
watching the man screech and holler and slap at his own groin despite
all efforts from the few people gathered around to help him. Many
people were struggling not to laugh, but others still thought that some
sort of religious fervor had taken hold of the man, and they began to
leap onto their feet to begin calling out praises to the gods and
glorying in the freedom of movement as they began to stomp and sway and
make a fuss.
A few of the monks attempted to restore order. The
Earth, Wind, and Fire Dragons were watching the spectacle with
amazement, confusion, and embarrassment.
The Water Dragon, however, was sitting calmly beside his master – although with a huge smile on his face.
Omi was highly entertained at the display being performed in front of him.
All
the way down to the amen pew where sat Sister Bertha better-than-you /
Who'd been watchin' all the commotion with sadistic glee / But you
should've seen the look in her eyes / When that squirrel jumped her
garters and crossed her thighs / She jumped to her feet and said "Lord
have mercy on me"
Jack had nearly gotten control of
himself and was leaning heavily against Chase – who was tolerating it
because he hadn’t been this amused in years – when Omi abruptly leaped
high above everyone’s heads, waving his arms and screaming for mercy.
His
friends and Master Fung tried to help him, but the little yellow monk
was running around in frantic circles, yowling at the top of his
high-pitched voice about how he’d be good; he’d never ever put live
worms in anyone’s noodles ever again – he’d stop deliberately making
messes for Raimundo to clean up – he’d stop trying on Kimiko’s clothes
– he’d stop taking Clay’s cowboy hat to play dress up in – he’d stop
putting spiders in Dojo’s litter box – anything, just give him mercy!
At that point, Jack lost it and flopped over to lay sprawled in Chase’s lap while laughing uproariously.
Chase didn’t care much as he was too busy laughing himself into a hernia, too.
Well
seven deacons and the pastor got saved, / Twenty-five thousand dollars
was raised and fifty volunteered / For missions in the Congo on the
spot / Even without an invitation there were at least five hundred
rededications / And we all got re-baptized whether we needed it or not
Jack
lay on a comfortable chaise lounge on the roof of his home, looking up
at the full moon and the brilliant panorama of stars overhead.
He
couldn’t wipe a silly grin off his face. His mind kept going over and
over the antics caused by one tiny, little half-crazed squirrel.
“So, I suppose you’re proud of yourself.”
Jack
glanced to his right to see Chase standing only a foot away, looking at
him. He grinned at the older man and shrugged lightly as he said,
“Well, if I was going to go all ‘high road’ … the Xiaolin Temple got a
butt-load of donations from several energized and re-dedicated
followers.”
“But…?”
“But… I’m always going to cherish the
memory of Omi tearing his pants off and mooning the whole crowd in an
effort to get that squirrel out of there,” Jack finished, and started
laughing.
Chase shook his head, but his mouth was spread in an amused grin, so he couldn’t say much.
When
the younger man was done laughing, Chase moved to sit at the end of the
chaise lounge; sitting cross-legged so he could face Jack. “What on
earth possessed you to take a squirrel to the Xiaolin Temple?”
Jack
grinned at the evil everlord. “I caught the little bastard in a trap.
He’d gotten into my Lair somehow and was wreaking havoc on my supplies.
I was trying to figure out what to do with him – how I was going to use
him – when Mom reminded me of the ceremony at the Temple. And any time
I think of the Temple, I think of Omi. That’s when I knew I just had to get that squirrel in there somehow.”
“In a hollow tube?”
“I didn’t have a shoe box handy.”
Chase laughed huskily and shook his head again. “Only you, Spicer – only you.”
“Oh, come on, now. Admit it: you were amused.”
“Of
course I was. Still, I think the highlight of the day was getting to
see you dressed up for a change. You should wear suits more often.”
Jack grimaced. “Why? It’s just a lot of fuss and bother to get into it and then get out of it again.”
Chase
grinned wickedly and rolled onto his knees, then crawled forward an
inch or so to lean over Jack. His long, dark hair fell down around
them, shrouding them in soft shadow, and he murmured, “Yes… but you
haven’t let me get you out of it.”
Jack laughed and
reached up to wrap his arms around Chase’s neck. “I’m convinced. Now,
kiss me – I’ve been waiting all day for it.”
Seeing as how he
had nothing better to do, and he was feeling generous, Chase complied.
After all, his young lover had gifted him with a most entertaining day.
